I’m currently sitting on my bed listening to Jeff Buckley and thinking about how to put this post together. At this point, I haven’t been active or posted anything on here in just over 2 months. Of course I have my reasons, an awful break up being the biggest factor for my absence, and trying to heal myself from that left me more devoid of creativity than I’d like to admit. I have no notes to go off, or a guide of some sort to help me pull my thoughts together in order to put into words all the things I want to say, so I can almost guarantee this post will just be one huge dump of emotion and nonsensical rambling – but if you’re reading this I hope you don’t mind too much. At the end of the day, this is part of my own personal healing process, I guess for some reason I just happen to like to share my thoughts on the internet for other people to see.

I wasn’t sure how much is appropriate to share on here about my breakup, and in all honesty I’m still unsure but I’ve realised that I’m under no obligation to try and preserve the dignity of someone who treated me like I was worthless by sugar coating the situation. Most people who know me in person know exactly what happened already, but to be blunt I was let down in one of the worst possible ways that a partner can let you down. I met my ex boyfriend when I was freshly 17 and we dated for 4 years, until just a couple of months after I turned 21. Unfortunately, 2 years of that was a lie. To be cheated on for half of the time you spend giving someone your everything, has got to be one of the biggest betrayals I’ve ever experienced. Yes it was awful, and yes it hurt so so fucking badly, but I don’t mean for this post to be a sad one, because I’ve never felt this strong before.

If a few years, or even months ago I’d thought about something like this happening to me, I would’ve without a doubt been convinced it would break me and rip me to shreds. Of course it was hard, but I’ve never felt so strong and so sure of myself and what I deserve, in my life. That quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower that everyone knows, “we accept the love we think we deserve”, always resonated with me but now I understand it on such a deeper level than before. And the parable of the frog in boiling water and how you can compare it to a toxic relationship – if you put a frog straight into boiling water it will jump straight out, but if you put a frog in a pot of cold water and slowly bring it to the boil the frog will remain in the boiling water until it dies – is something I always understood but I know from experience now how it can feel.

This post has been heavy so far, but the pain I felt during this period of my life was important, I needed to feel it. I’ve always remembered this quote from The Five People You Meet in Heaven: “holding anger is a poison, it eats you from the inside. We think that by hating someone we hurt them, but hatred is a curved blade, and the harm we do to others, we also do to ourselves”, and it’s stuck with me throughout this experience. Feel what you need to, and then keep going.

I feel like I’ve grown so much since the breakup, which is a cliche I’m sure but there’s a good reason for it. I feel like I’m a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, and a better person in general. I think I’m more understanding and empathetic, and patient. I feel like I’m becoming the most genuine version of myself, and surprisingly, I feel the happiest I have in years.

I really am not sure what the point of this post has been, if there is one at all. If anything, writing this post is something that I really wanted to do for myself, but if anyone who reads this is going through something similar then just know that you’ll get through it, and you’ll be the best version of yourself in time. All the love that I poured into loving someone that treated me like shit, is reflecting back onto me now.

August 1, 2019

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